I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
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GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”