I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting packets of Kikkomon soy sauce

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I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.


I don’t have a drinking problem, I’m very good at it


A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows


Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.


If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”


dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months


Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’


WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.