I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
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No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.