Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.

Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?

Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”

Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds

KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction

I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit

Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?

Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?

Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?

Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!

And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.

Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College

A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀

The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.

been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.

*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*

Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]

*3 minute unskippable ad plays*

not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it

I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.

I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.

MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?

DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.

[First date]

Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”

Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”

Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.

[First day as a personal chef]

How do you take your poptart?

This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.

RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts

“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands

“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island

Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.

[family dinner]

my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren

me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.

*files a restraining order against reality*

Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though

My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.

Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.