Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: license and registration

Me: that won’t be necessary officer

*places a glazed donut in his pocket

David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.

Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-

You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?

I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁

My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night

Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done

*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*

*skinny dips to be on the safe side*

Me: I’m a solid eight

Friend: Wow. Out of ten?

Me: What lol god no

The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.

Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit

Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.

Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!

HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE

Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”

my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.

[date]

Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…

*hands her paper*

Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.

Fun Prank:

Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move

Reasons Pluto is so cold:

3) It’s far from the sun

2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.

1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.

To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.

I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.

Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”

[God inventing children]

A: Aw, so cute.

G: Make ’em scream.

A: But –

G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.

If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall

“Notice the way he uses colors.”

“How??”

NEW LAUNDRY RULES!

1. IF IT COMES TO ME INSIDE OUT, YOU GET IT BACK INSIDE OUT!

2. IF IT COMES TO ME RUMPLED IN A BALL, YOU GET IT BACK RUMPLED IN A BALL!

3. IF IT COMES TO ME WITH $20 IN THE POCKET, OK ACTUALLY I’M KEEPING THAT.

Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?

It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.

I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.

[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”

Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name