I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysittingforgive me
they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all
You Might Also Like
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
i’m laughing very hard in real life
they should create new variants of dopamine
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now