Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i don’t think he’s the guy. the shooter used a silencer and an italian would never attempt to be quiet in public

Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.

Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.

I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.

[spelling bee]

Your word is “pneumonia”.

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.

therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?

me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?

therapist:
No.

me:
….Knives?

therapist:
Forget I asked.

Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter

{the invention of maple syrup}

So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?

Overheard:

The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.

I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send

me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ

If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?

BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is

[in the bedroom]

HER: you got some in my hair

ME: whoops my bad

HER: and in my eye

ME: sorry I can’t control it

HER: have you ever painted before

If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.

And live by myself.

Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.

Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.

I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.

Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say

to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain

date: i think i’m going to leave.

me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I want money.

When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.

Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.

There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.

Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation

The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.

Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain

Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.

The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.