Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.

My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.

It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”

If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.

Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜

Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.

At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.

Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.

Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.

“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”

“Kids, I found a campsite!”

i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses

*Facebook down*

Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories

“You CAN even.”

– white girl life coach

“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.

My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.

FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota

*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…

One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*

Reasons Pluto is so cold:

3) It’s far from the sun

2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.

1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.

Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.

can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead

today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes

Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.

Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.

I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.

Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.

Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?

The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,

I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.

hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”

Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.

People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.

My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.