Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.

*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…

Is this the real life?
Is this just

People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.

life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS

ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains

Möther may I have a snäck

The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.

Kid: Everything poops?

Me: Kinda

K: Trees don’t poop

M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen

K: So we’re breathing tree poop?

M:

K:

M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?

[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators

Family Celebrity

i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.

I really would love to see two mimes arguing

Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?

watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth

Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.

My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.

2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”

I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.

[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]

King’s Men: all the King’s men are here

Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?

King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses

Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???

[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’

I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens

My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.

Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”

Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself

Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself

“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”

-Humans

I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.

As long as that distance is 300 miles.

Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.