I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
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What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
The doctor tried using the stethoscope on CJ and he goes “no no, EYE baby doc” and tried using the stethoscope on the doctor 🤣 doc goes “hey man I worked hard to use this stethoscope, what are your credentials?” Cj goes “im baby” doc goes “ok that’s fair you can go first” 😂😂
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
me: hi do you take walk ins?
funeral parlor director: what?
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!