I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
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The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.