I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
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My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Rich people don’t understand cereal
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd