Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it

I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.

This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.

And whats Beth short for? he asked.

Because shes only three. I answered.

Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.

[DATE]

ME: I’m a literature buff

HER: who do you read?

ME: read?

*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*

I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…

Bladder: better hurry up!

Back: woah, no sudden movements!

Foot: CRAMP!

Head: ouch, did we drink last night?

Neck: CRAMP!

Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!

Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…

I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.

I can’t wait.

You’ll be OK

Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.

when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”

The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.

Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL

Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.

Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW

Her: I like guys that are confident

Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire

*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*

“You should floss more”

You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.

Judge: You have power of attorney?

Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?

I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch

Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween

Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.

But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.

Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.

So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.

As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.

If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.

Produce goes bad three times faster when you’re the one who paid for it. It’s science!

“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”

“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”

“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”

Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.

cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion

Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?

[I get called in 10 minutes later]

Hold on, let me finish this article.

Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.

Me: Oh that will never happen.

Him: Are you breaking up with me?

Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.

My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.

Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.