Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge

ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART

[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*

I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?

CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.

“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later

I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display

They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.

Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.

In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes

Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.

If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.

There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.

“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye

12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!

12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider

12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude

[me holding a door]

PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.

ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.

I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’

Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
follow me for more tips

Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?

ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.

3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?

reminder

Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.

[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled

*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT

Me: I got the vaccine!

MIL: I’m coming for a visit

Me: I don’t want it anymore!

I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.

Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok

Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.