I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
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The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
“Mom how do you say ‘thank you’ in Asian?”
-my friend’s kid, so loudly, at a sushi restaurant in Frankfurt
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Which is it, brain?
Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.