I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
You Might Also Like
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.