Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned

I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..

I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.

Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes

My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?

Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.

“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.

[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases

Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.

Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.

shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room

*being mugged*

me: “im warning you, i know karate”

mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”

Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor

Airport security:…

Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this

Back in my day, we had to walk 10 miles in the snow to change the channel

Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*

God: *creates mom look*

Angel: Are you mad?

God: No, just disappointed

At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.

Me: Can I use it for my socials?

Mugshot Photographer: No.

HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it

ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys

[first date]

date: i’m an optimist

me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before

thoughts and prayers for my teen who just said she’s sick of asking me to do something

Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.

The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles

After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.

Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?

her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?

me: i added ginger

her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger

ginger: *wet meows*

daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?

me: absolutely

daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done

I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings

I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”

🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶

when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up