i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
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When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Oops 🤭
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
[on my deathbed]
“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”
*dies*
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel