i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
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[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out is Wendy’s.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Natural selection at its finest
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Worth remembering.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley