Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop: you know why i pulled you over

me: …no ?

cop: come on dude

me: maybe i had a few too many–

cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk

me: i–

cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there

Me: I should sleep.

Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.

What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?

That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.

I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.

We’re talking about food, right?

I’ve worked several high-pressure corporate jobs, but I never put more effort into the way I look than when I’m working with kids. Like, the CEO of a company never asked me what happened to my hair or why I’m dressed like Beetlejuice.

I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?

*plugs in Xmas lights*

My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”

If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.

Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur

building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows

Hey that’s my circus! *does double take* And my monkeys!!

Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.

Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf

People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.

GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]

Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done

Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE

Wife: What is that?

Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?

Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!

Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.

If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?

A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.

Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.

Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.

#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes

I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit

Me, to kid: “Don’t be scared; it’s only a movie. It’s not like it’s REAL!”

Also Me: watched Poltergeist as a kid and still have lifelong trust issues with trees, clown dolls, TV static, & walk-in closets.

Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?

Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces

A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.

If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services

Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.

Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom