I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
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if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
How tf did it end up there?
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
The Assassin.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection