I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
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My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
The three genders
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen