I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
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6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*