i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones
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Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?