i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones
You Might Also Like
Covid like
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Important
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Called it
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.