when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
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Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
My beach vacation Google searches
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.