@JoeyRation

I have feelings for you. Please take them and leave.

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@jwoodham

Sorry I didn’t text you back, but my body is like 70% water and I really didn’t want to mess up my phone.

@mommajessiec

My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.

@VerifiedDrunk

Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana

@CornOnTheGoblin

me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on

@timdonakowski

Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.

@LaytesAgain

For women, the worst part of a breakup is probably that incessant little voice whispering “Do something stupid to your hair.”

@pharmasean

I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.

@007Rex_Inc

M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT

[BOOM]

M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!

@AnnaDoesntWant2

4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!

Me: Awwww, thank yโ€”

4: It looks like a bug

Me:

@shutupmikeginn

Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”