Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
I have feelings for you. Please take them and leave.
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90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
“I’d hit that!” — me gazing at rock bottom
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Cop: Painted blue?
Cop: With nails glued on?
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL