I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
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I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Thinking about that time when I was young and crank called an operator and she called me back because she was an operator.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
🌱🌱🌱
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
What the hell is going on?
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Cashiers are always checking me out
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?