I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
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My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”
Ooooh. That’ll show me.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.