I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
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Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.
Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
