Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

banana peels are my favorite fall accessories

I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.

“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game

Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.

Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!

me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol

teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked

My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum

*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art

[walking into museum]

i must read each and every description, really soak up the history

*after 20 minutes*

can i sit on this or is it art?

Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.

sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location

I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.

Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.

#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning

If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.

[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”

In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.

Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like

Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here

Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?

Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!

Me: that’ll all stop once you show up

boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok

[later]

announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd

me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks

Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene

looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job

a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck

Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is

just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined

Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?

Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?

The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.

I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream

A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.

When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.

He’s a pickpocket.