I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
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It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
It’s crazy that we get one toothbrush as a kid and we have to use it once a week for the rest of our lives.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.