“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
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there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Roses are red
Pizza sauce is too
I ordered a large
And none of its for you
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Pee pressure > peer pressure
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No