“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
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are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Breaking news:
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.