I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
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Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
I came this close!!!!
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her