Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.

realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some

I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me

Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….

YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids

I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.

[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]

hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.

My lady wanted to role play ..we was doing doctor and nurse .she in character gone ask me ..doc did you get the results back…i was like yeah the kid has cancer and will be dead by monday …she talking bout i ruined the mood …my acting just to good for boo boo she a hater

6yo: You’re grounded.

Me: Okay.

6yo: FOREVER!

Me: Thank you.

Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!

I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.

me: absolute shit technique

murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?

Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?

IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice

ME: I really don’t know what you want from me

My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!

dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.

Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after

can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant

When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.

I should probably buy him something soon.

I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.

“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*

i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.

Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!

*wildlife shows up*

Home buyer: Not like that.

replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.

If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.

My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)

Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning

TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u

[letter to vitamin company]

So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff

Very suspicious that this keeps happening