I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
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Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Somebody’s lying.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
damn he’s good
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad