I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
You Might Also Like
Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
as is their right
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?