I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
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No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.
New skill unlocked
hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad