Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”

Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.

Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too

Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.

Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.

Her: I agree but can we land first?

Holy moly

Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.

THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game

VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?

Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰

Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive

a lot to unpack here

my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”

February
20°
NW Ohio

In a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.

Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.

People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.

Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.

Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.

This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.

Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?

She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones

Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?

Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?

“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.

I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.

People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.

*gets first nose bleed since childhood*

Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?

Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.

me: how much for the boquet of dogs

girl walking dogs: huh

me: *slipping her $5* how about now