Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?

A taxi.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now

My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked

I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for

Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.

i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”

WIFE: I’m leaving you

ME: oh no what happened?

WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore

ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this

WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-

ME: it must not have saved!

WIFE:

ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?

I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it

kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them

I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS

Me: I’m not petty.

Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.

Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND

Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*

Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!

Blacksmith:

Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”

(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels

Me: I really like her. What should I do?

Friend: Give her the time of day.

[Later]

Her: Hey.

Me: It’s 2 PM.

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…

A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”

My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face

Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.

If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”

You’re doing it wrong

Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.

me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team

captain: no you wouldn’t

me: ok

Five-word horror story:

“I’m going that way too”

At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments

yeah 😭

Disappointed it’s raining this weekend

Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months

Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?

Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.

Hostess:

Me: Write it down.

my body: please, eat something green

me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*