Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10

My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.

ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.

My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.

I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”

I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.

Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.

Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.

I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened

I can also cook 😂

My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.

Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.

Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around

Going to church you guys need anything

9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.

Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.

9: I don’t want to get it wet.

Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.

CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…

Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP

If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.

Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.

Text: can I talk to you about something?

Me: throws phone in ocean

My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.

Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.

Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.

Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.

My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!

Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.

What are a comedian’s pronouns?

He/he/he

Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*

Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets

Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.

Him: Please, call me James.

Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts