Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.

*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party

Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife

Me: Have you considered budgeting?

My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.

9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.

*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college

Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans

coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys

Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER

DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?

DOG: NO

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Actually cracking up @ this

Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs

“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well

“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”

– me, talking to the fridge

I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle

You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids

Robber: give me your money

Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke

Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20

Me: thanks dude

Robber: no problem. Now give me your money

Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?

Waiter: Can I see your ID?

Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.

Waiter: What would you like to drink?

Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers

Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.

Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.

In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.

Nice try, NASA

Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?”

Me: “Officer, I’m focused on the future.”

9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.

Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.

WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say

Grading system for students in India:

A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family

Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge