Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.

Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”

And that was the last time she was invited over.

Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber

I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.

Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.

Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*

Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”

The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up

When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.

When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.

This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.

“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.

Me irl

Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.

Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.

Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?

It’s two tired.

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [looking at menu] what page are u on

Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas

Me: sure

Gas station employee: how can I help you

Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please

Gas station employee: where’s your car

Friend: What’s that you’re reading?

Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”

Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?

Me: $24.99.

Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”

My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight

My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills

In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”

Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying

If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma

what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”

If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot

I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.

The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.

When the stylist spins you back around

Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!

*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!

Each time I type “love you,” my phone changes you to Roy. So, I just want to say…Roy if you’re out there, make yourself known, because my phone has a mad crush on ya.