I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
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[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Life with a cat in one tweet
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.