“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
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Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
we squint at the sun because it’s bright
we squint at people because they are not…
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*