“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”

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My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.


One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan


Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?

7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting


God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes

Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?

God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!

Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-



Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws


My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.


Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news


There’s a 100% chance the Republicans will discuss Starbucks cups in a debate tonight, so remember that when they ask how they lost in 2016.