“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
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Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
how to market bottled water to dads
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*