“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
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me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro