Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.

[the clock strikes half past two]

dentist: my time has come

[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”

nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!

VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”

shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday

Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.

Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?

One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish

“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.

First date idea.

Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.

If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist

This one takes the trophy 😭😭

If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?

3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–

Wikigenius

A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow

CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home

Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.

-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.

Me: wow

Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest

grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today

me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes

They say you are what you eat.

*opens a big bag of nuts

6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name

I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.

When I can’t barge, I careen.

When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days

Know your customer. Think like an idiot.