I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
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The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
LOL
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
smart people are like huskies
if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.