I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
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I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Building contractors don’t want your help, Annie, even when you offer them your Altoids tin full of brads.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes
Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t
My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Did 900 crunches today. It was a bag of Cheetos, but still.
I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Me: Alexa, make me breakfast.
Alexa: Okay, you’re breakfast.
Me: No I mean…
Alexa: Lol! What a moron. 🤣
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.