I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
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“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
to anyone wondering what it’s like going out with a woman over 40. it’s not easy.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.