Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.

Me: I like that racecar.

Her: You know that’s a palindrome.

Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.

My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.

New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.

Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?

Once I shot a man with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye.

Man: a pack of condoms please.

Cashier: would you like a paper bag?

Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.

Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water

Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?

My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.

theres been a horrible success at the accident factory

An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.

One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.

2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*

5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?

My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*

*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW

*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER

People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.

centipede: *trips*

*but for like, an hour*

I gave a yelp review once.

In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.

[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.

employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears

Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first. 

Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum

What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?

The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.

Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.

Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?

Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.

there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.

Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.

Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?