Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?

Nope just me back from the gym

Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner

Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times

“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.

My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁

Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.

me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?

[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog

an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today

My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: hi grayfish

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: u said that already

GOLDFISH: said what

I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.

*trying a new meal*

Wife: how do you like it?

Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good

Cashier: do you need bags?

Me: do any of us NEED anything?

Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too

Me: plastic please

Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home

Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later

That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes

I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.

Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.

I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.

Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?

*at party*

Guy: Want to dance?

Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.

Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.

*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead

I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.

[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it

Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”

[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.

Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.

In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.

[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion

Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.

I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.