I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
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I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Finished stitching this today 😇
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
😂💯
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.