Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.

Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!

In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.

In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby

Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!

Teen: rolls eyes

Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.

That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.

Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.

[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings

I occasionally drink every single night.

My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”

Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage

I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.

I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up

[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]

It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.

MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers

I CALL BULLSHIT

Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:

Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!

Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.

Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.

I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend

What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.

There was a sudden Jeff in the family

Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes

🍛

I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.

doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on

If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.

This kitten is just what my house needed.

Another female that doesn’t listen to me.

*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]

Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato