I have half a mind to…
Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”
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Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Very good news from my accountant
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let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.