I have half a mind to…
Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”
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I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.
Tech support: *sigh*
Fine. Right click on your hamster…
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?