I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
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Selfie
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.