I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng
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A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
socratic questions
Hmmmmm
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
“Worm Regards”
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn