I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng
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My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520
Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
“Does this look infected?”
*points to the entire world*
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.