I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng
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vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
He’s making his list…He’s checkin’ it twice.
He left it at home.
He’s texting his wife.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.
He described his son as “very mature”.
Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
The idea that librarians spend all their time telling children to shush is an unflattering, outdated, and severe stereotype. We actually spend all our time telling children to stop running.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Water isn’t for putting out wildfires. It’s for powering a machine that lets me hear what it would sound like if Cartman read my grandpa’s will
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.