Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{batman walking downstairs}

“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”

[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]

Spend $200 on cat toys

Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP

Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.

Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!

Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.

Me: pass me that cup

Kid: *gives me cup*

Me: I didn’t say simon says haha

[Later]

Me: PASS… MY… INHALER

Kid: not falling for that again

Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single

*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri

If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.

By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”

Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone

her: wanna go upstairs

me: ok

her: do u have protection

me: [nervously] why what’s up there

Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”

”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice

Forever 21… pounds overweight

[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities

11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.

Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?

11: Other than that.

Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.

Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.

It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.

He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath

What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?

Sorry! My Fault!

First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos

If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.

My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?

Me: Yes.

I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.

For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.

Judging by the hair on my black shirts , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.

[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer