I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng
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*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Inside you there are two wolves
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?