I have issued a new executive order prohibiting library patrons from telling me how tired I look
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A drone was spying on us in the yard this morning, so I did what I needed to to protect my family… finished shovelling the snow with no pants on so it left right away
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Found a mystery grape in my building today. Gonna ask it questions like a crystal ball.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
My 4yo was struggling to put his shorts on this morning. I went to help him, pulled the waistband up, and an alarm clock flew out the leg hole
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie