I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
You Might Also Like
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Happy Star Wars day!
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Them: “two heads are better than one”
Me: “nah i’m good here, this one overthinks enough thanks”
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird