I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
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Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.
me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.
my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.