I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
If you breakdance you buy dance.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
