I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
No regrets in 2018
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
