I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
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Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
me: do you think he’ll ever walk again
wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
city officials are like “those potholes are supposed to be there.”
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
I saw a guy biking in a park pulling his kid in a chariot behind him and I’ve never been more jealous of a toddler in my life.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Forrest Gump is a haunting film about how long you have to wait for a bus in America
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
