I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
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ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
never vacuuming so i don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?