Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Time for evil

Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.

JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape

Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.

But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”

I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.

ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out

New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”

My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.

Parenting is hard, you guys.

I could have been a monk but I missed my chants

If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.

[first date]

Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?

JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.

ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.

Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.

*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*

When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself

” What would Homer Simpson do?”

*Working at Walmart*

Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?

Me: No Ma’am, they are dead

I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.

I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.

Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?

Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.

Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.

Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.

WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid

ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen

Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄

[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme

Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?

Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell

My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”

WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.

GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.

ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.

Most fashion shows these days…

I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”

When you put it that way… 😂