Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.

me:

me: nooks and crannies?

him: it’s a kind of candy.

me: whew

*pronounces UPS like yoops

I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”

Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.

Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.

“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting

My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea

Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”

*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?

I’m looking for a documentary on small rivers. Does anyone know a good streaming service?

What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.

Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers

George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.

#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly

[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*

My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?

PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET

Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.

[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out

Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep

Job interviewer: …and a weakness?

It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:

For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.

*steps on a spider*

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no

The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.

Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.

I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.

“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*

uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there

Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans