Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?

Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby

You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?

customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing

me: oh *declines it* thank you

[on the way home]

Me: I have some tea to share with you

13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?

Me: no, tea as in like gossip

13: what, what brand is that?

I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.

God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly

I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.

[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese

In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.

I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.

[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]

I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops

I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.

*deep inhale*

YOU TELLIN ME A GAR LICKED THIS BREAD!?!?!?!???!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them

Shake what your momma gave ya!

*shakes old decorative wreath*

(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)

Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any

“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.

Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough

I built a tricycle pram tonight

*adds bike mechanic to the resume*

As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job

[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball

Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong

Me: challenge accepted.

That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.

My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”

[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd

Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.

*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?