Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone

Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die

I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.

People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

Me: The house is clean!

Kid: Hold my juice box!

him: I love animals, especially dogs

me: *I could really like him*

him: birds too

me: *he’s dead to me*

[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP

Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?

Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.

[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?

Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*

I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.

My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.

me: correct me if I’m wrong-

the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right

Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.

When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?

So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.

*walks into Apple store

“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”

*walks out of Apple store

The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.

cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion

Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.

Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.

“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick

If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.

*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*

“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”

Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril

Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.

Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.

“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world