I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
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Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
A decision was made here.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.
They didn’t planet that way.