Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.

You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.

I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree

in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.

I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.

Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around

Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*

Me: THAT’S IT

My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”

Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”

Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.

I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.

Just checked my bank account. Looks like everyone’s getting a hug for Christmas.

December 1st:
Smoked a cigar

December 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth

Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?

The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can’t find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack — and they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like “Wow, you are being so loud.”

I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.

Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say

WHAT DO WE WANT?

A NAP!!

THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?

#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!

I wanna be friends with this person

Following my previous tweet, I would like to clarify that I am not running for mayor. I meant to say that I was running from the mayor but mistyped because I was running at the time.

Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.

Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting

is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb

Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?

every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box

religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious

Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now

Renewed my membership this morning

I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.

Pro tip for Zoom court: ZOOM COURT IS REAL COURT

–Always be fully clothed
–Do not be in or on the toilet
–Do not Zoom in from the shower
–Do not Zoom in from the bed–especially if unclothed
–Don’t wear any hats/caps/bonnets
–Don’t make a full on omelet like that one lady

🙄😏😂🤣

Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.