Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!

ME: My parents never loved me.

POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!

ME: That makes way more sense.

Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????

Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.

McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.

I had to Stop for this

DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again

Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.

“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.

Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills

The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.

Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.

i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell

Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.

“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.

The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.

Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.

Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.

British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭

“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”

No, it’s literally 2 syllables

When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.

I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems

“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”

Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒

“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.

“…nevermind.”

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.

Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.

Casual sex robots have rebooty calls

were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal

if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship

If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?