@DrakeGatsby

I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks

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@joeheenan

My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok

Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5

@RunOldMan

Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.

@ShittyComedian

No officer the joke’s on you. That breathalyzer will never tell you how much acid I dropped tonight.

@dave_cactus

[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*

@StephenAtHome

If you’re doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide from the giant surveillance apparatus the government’s been hiding.

@juliussharpe

For just $28,000, I will teach any politician or politician’s wife to wave like a normal human being.

@johnroderick

Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?

@causticbob

The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.

@Tmoney68

Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.

@bvinson23

I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.

Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.