I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
You Might Also Like
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer
*temp reaches 95 degrees*
Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.