I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
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Chemical wingman
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Body by Oreos
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.