Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on

I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.

Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.

Me: How was my snoring last night?

Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT

[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out

“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively

5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?

Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand

5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?

Me: haha not quite

5yo: *just glares at his little brother*

I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.

I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73

Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.

2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!

Me: He is? How?

2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!

Me:

I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise

Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.

*drives to liquor store

Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce

“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”

Taco Bell: try this new thing

Me: what is it

TB: does it matter

Me: no I’ll take 3

I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life

Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised

Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ

“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.

Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.

me: my fish is very dry

waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water

me: smart

well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem

You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.

[On my death bed]

My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?

In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.

Mmmm. Shoeshi

Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.

Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.

Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-

*puts TV remote to my ear*

Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.