I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
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My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
why’d they call it a fly swatter and not a splatula
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
ＨＵＭＡＮ
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
