I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
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Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Scientists says humans are the most evolved, but bears get to get fat all summer and then sleep for 4 months, so who’s really ahead
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores